Yet another new occasional series with little potential for longevity

This one is called 'crap albums you listened to on your Walkman on holiday because you were too young to buy your own tapes and your parents couldn't be relied upon to always listen to good records even if they are (like mine) respectably pop-savvy'

Today's contender: Voodoo Lounge by the Rolling Stones (on the MV Bretagne in 1993). This record is so bad it can only be described by one of those words people use in PG-R family comedies like Beethoven or Honey I Shrunk the Kids. You know, words like 'crapola'. There is something curiously abject about this record which I am still haunted by to this day and, trust me, it's been fifteen years since I last heard it. Not a day goes past when I don't find myself humming a tune and thinking 'that sounds familiar' only to have my intimate mental space violated by an image of Mick Jagger singing the following delightful lines:

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Sparks will fly

When I finally get myself

back on you, baby

Sparks will fly

When I finally get myself

back on you, baby

I'm gonna step on the gas

I want to get there really fast

I want to fuck your sweet ass

Sparks will fly

Sharks will cry

Sparks will fly

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So many things are wrong with this verse, not least the fact that 'gas' and 'ass' is, to put it mildly, an unfortunate rhyme within the erotic context Jagger is trying to create here. I'd love to perform an incisive critique of the line 'sharks will cry' but every time I think about it I break down in hysterics. Does he have the Crap Sharks from Viz in mind here or is it just his (oh-so-coincidentaly rhyming) idea of an event that would be really exciting and sexual?

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Him: Will the sharks be crying tonight, darling?

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Her: Not tonight luv, I've got a headache.

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In fact, I'm thinking of sending a letter to the advertising people who make commercials for Bacardi or Disarrono or another spirit which requires a sexually-charged brand image and suggest that the next time their sales pitch involves a nightclub full of scantily-dressed beautfiul people dancing to funky house they should add a couple of sharks weeping in the corner.

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NEXT: Fleetwood Mac, Tango in the Night (Hold on, can't do that one, it's actually quite good.)